De Snippets
by Stand Alone Battle A.I
Summary: Reading this may result in a high statistical probability of death by gunshot. A punch to the face is also likely.
1. Fus Ro Burp

FUS-RO-BUURP

* * *

Tali Zorra Vas Normandy followed behind Commander Shepard like she was playing the ever popular children's game; _the floor is lava_. Of course, being that this was omega, the floor may as well be lava, to someone with an immune system like her. Tali estimated that should she have a suit rupture, that she would last a whole 30 seconds before she died of some disease that they were undoubtedly going to name after her later. In some areas, the air alone was so nasty that it actually condensated on her visor as a slimy green substance that constantly needed to be wiped off..

And the floors...

Don't even get her started on the floors.

Afterlife was legendary in that they never really had a 10-second rule, should anything ever touch the ground. It was a 10-inch rule. A thick miasma of bodily fluids, waist, and bacteria, had long been collecting into a primordial soup; that was a little sunlight away from actually becoming sentient and applying for an embassy at the Citadel.

Luckily for the quarian, nobody else seemed to be that enthusiastic to be here, so maybe their combined discomfort will speed Shepard up. Having spent the day shopping for guns, and other supplies, the commander always like to come to afterlife for a drink before having to return back to the Normandy.

However, instead of their usual friendly salarian bartender, there was a batarian that'd been giving the specter dirty looks, the second he walked in.

"Honestly Commander," Miranda griped as she dutifully followed her superior officer "I don't know why you keep coming to this piss hole, I'm pretty sure that they're not even checking the labels for dextro, or amino acid customers..." she was going to continue, but she found that she couldn't look away from an elcore and asari stripper make out in the corner of the club. She shuddered as she realized there they were using full tongue.

"I like this this place. It's got something that you don't normally find in those fancy shmancy places, like the that Infinity Lounge"

"Eternity" Miranda corrected, and shepard rolled his eyes.

"Whatever"

Jacob eyed a used condom on the ground and blanched "Yeah, this place definitely has quite a few things that you don't normally find..."

"Bah" Shepard waved a dismissive hand, and craned his head to Zaeed, who was busy eyeing the bartender with a distrustful glare. "Zaeed! Mah man, you've got my back on this, right?" The old warrior looked conflicted, like he agreed but really wished that he didn't.

"... It _is_ a pain in the arse to order a shot of whiskey, when the fruity son-of-a-bitch next to me is ordering an Appletini."

"See! There's a little something here for everyone, if you know where to look." The statement was actually kinda true. Nobody noticed the absence of a certain scientist salarian, as he was currently in the men's room, collecting samples from the door handles to further improve his Neural Shock gas.

The commander leaned against the bar, and contemplated what he was going to order when a drink mysteriously appeared in front of him. He blinked at it, then looked up to see the Batarian bartender give him a knowing smirk. "Here human, on the house..."

"Holy crap this is awesome!" The commander gestured over to the unscrupulous looking non-human. "You see this? That's another reason to love this place. You think that he cares that I'm Commander Shepard? The man that Badass Weekly ran the numbers on, and determined that i'm like, the third leading cause of death of batarian mercenaries across the entire galaxy? No! He clearly understands the importance, of the fine bond of customer/consumer relationship that makes the world go round."

One of the bartender's four eyes began to twitch "Oh, you're THE Commander Shepard? Well in that case, i've got something special just for you..." Admittedly, the bartender just wanted to poison him for being human, but Commander-goddamned-Shepard? Oh god, this man has to die.

Pulling the drink under the bar, he poured it out, and reached for another bottle in the back. Inspecting the label he smiled. **Extra Strength Vorcha Be Gone! For when they absolutely, positively, gotta die... **He then turned the bottle over, and saw that the instructions called for the poison to be diluted 1/1000 before use.

He poured him a full shot...

The commander smiled, and licked his lips as the noxious green liquid was presented in front of him. Most of the squad members sensed that something wasn't right, but before anybody could protest, he downed it.

"WHOO!" the commander said, his face scrunching up "That has a hell of a kick to it." Shepard coughed and gestured to the door "C'mon... you guys... lets..." The commander bent over, using one hand to support himself on the bar, the other clutched his stomach, he began to go pale. Tali was instantly at his side.

"Shepard? Shepard! Keela, are you are alright?" Miranda already had her Omni-tool on, and was trying to scan him. "His Implants are showing some sort of toxic shock, and are resisting." She stood up and looked around frantically "Where the hell is Mordin?"

The bartender watched with a smirk, that soon faded as he realized that the human he'd poisoned wasn't going down as fast as he wanted. That Vorcha poison would eat through a shuttle, he should have died damned near instantly. Shepard continued to hold the bar for support.

_Gurgle..._

The Batarian took a step back as Shepard put a hand over his mouth, and looked like he was going to hurl.

"Nooo..." he said cautiously, and started working the lock to try and exit the bar. Shepard turned a distinct shade of green, and leaned further over. His stomach gurgled again, this time loud enough to be heard over the throbbing music.

"_Noooooo..._" He warned again, desperately trying to escape, and only finding that the lock on the poorly maintained bar was jammed.

"Uh... I... not feel... so goo- URK" His stomach bulged, and he finally couldn't hold it anymore.

The batarian watched, as that huge bulge worked it way from his stomach, up his chest, and finally to his cheeks.

"NONONONONONO!"

Unable to hold it, Commander Shepard opened his mouth, and let loose the biggest, nastiest, ground shaking belch that'd ever been known in the galaxy. It was so strong, so powerful, that it just came out as green tinted wave of disgusting force. As it moved, the metal finish of the bar table began to corrode, and decayed, as the gastrointestinal rage marked its very clear path.

Which was right at the terrified bartender.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!11!1!" The batarian screamed in pure terror, as the ripple in the air slammed into him, he tried to put up his arms, but it was of no use.

A combination of sheer force, and the insanely corrosive poison, made something that would be considered a war crime, if ever reproduced in council space. The batarian pretty much melted, like he'd just opened the Arc of the Covenant or something.

The Commander now found himself in an awkward moment as dozens of people, of all races, stared at him in an eerily silent Afterlife. If his throat wasn't so sore he would have sighed, as he realized that he was probably going to get banned from this place too... (You don't even wanna know what happened at the Dark Star, though i will tell you that it involved the Citadel water supply)

"err.." he cleared his throat, his mind going into damage control mode "...better out, than in?"

Tali was the first to break the silence, as started staggering away. Muttering things like, 'going back to the Normandy', and 'just threw up in my suit'.

Samara, in a feat that nobody would have thought possible, finally showed her first real emotion on her eternally serene face. Sure, it was a look of _horror_, but many felt that it was a step in the right direction. And Thane... Oh god, poor Thane.

The Drell just sort of sat there, with an empty look on his face. His mind possessing the fact that he was going to remember what he'd seen here, in perfect clarity, for the rest of his thankfully short life. Suddenly, Keppler's syndrome was kinda awesome.

"Riiiight..." Shepard said. Stretching his arms, like he'd had a exhausting day of accidentally melting people, and felt that he had to get some rest "I'm just gonna go hit the ooold dusty trail here..." He only made it a few feet before Grunt, who'd been stunned into silence the whole time, threw himself at the commander's feet and wrapped his arms around his leg.

"B-BattleMaster! It's you! You are the one that legends speak of! The one they say who's born with the soul of Kalros herself! You are Tovhakiin!"

"Tova-what?"

"Thesher Born!" the quarter-ton super krogan boomed gleefully. A look of pure admiration in his eyes. "Please battlemaster, you must teach me the ways of the Thresher shouts!"

* * *

**LOL Thresher shouts...**

**Anyway, these are just gonna be random moments in the Mass Effect Universe. No particular order, just whatever strikes me as funny at the moment.**

**I'll be honest, I almost couldn't come back to this universe. Everyone who had a bone to pick, usually have their own reasons (Mostly it was the ending). Maybe it was my own fualt for having my expectations so high. I was sooo waiting for that satisfying moment when the council finally admitted that they were, in fact, fucking retarded. I wanted to see Harbinger burn in the sky, for being such a tremendous douche in part 2. I bent over backwards for the rachni, and the geth, hoping that i could engage in the final battle with allies that were, in fact, scarier than the reaper forces that i was fighting. (kinda like the final battle of Dragon Age Origins)  
**

**At the very least, i was at least hoping for that happy ending that Shepard so rightly deserved.  
**

**But in the end, it was 3 vs many. The Council still had to be dragged across the finish line, and for all of the forces that had been brought to battle; the only reason the reapers lost was because Harbinger didn't 'double tap'. Seriously, If he'd taken the time to finish off the crippled survivors (Shepard included) they would have won.**

**And all for an ending that i didn't even really understand.  
**

**I wasn't really angry, so much as i was disappointed. The whole ME universe just sorta became... disenchanted... if that makes any sense. And suddenly, I felt really stupid for having vested so many hours, and spending so much money on all of the DLC. (what the hell was the point of Pinnacle Station?)  
**

**For all of the joy BioWare has given me over the years, i'll give them another chance. I'll pick up whatever game they come out with next, I think they at least deserve that.  
**

**I just... I just hope they learn from this.  
**

**Anyway, sorry that put a little dark cloud over the humor of this fic.  
**

**Buuuut, since you're already here anyway...  
**

**V  
**


	2. The Sweetest Revenge

The Illusive man took a long pull from his cigarette, and watched the screen that monitored his base at the chrono station. Just to his left, the brilliant shine of the reddish blue star illuminated the cabin of his escape shuttle. Kai-Lang, that incompetent fool, had allowed himself to be tracked. Now the true mind behind Cerberus was forced to watch his empire burn, while the Alliance invaded.

Commander Shepard, like everything Cerberus builds, had turned against him and was tearing through his base. Oddly enough, for everything that he's destroyed, he was still only the second most destructive thing to ever come out of his labs. That dubious honor went to the Centurion Cell. Those morons, in the pursuit of the ultimate Bio Weapon, superpowered a bunch of Honey-Badgers _by jamming L-5 Biotic Implants into their skulls._

The Illusive man shuddered at that particular memory.

Come to think of it, they were never actually able to contain the situation. He was just lucky that they were stuck on the planet, where the base was. _But God help them all, if they ever figure out a way use any of the escape pods that the base personnel never actually made it too._

Regardless, for the first time since reviving Shepard did he ever truly regret it. The commander was like a force of nature. A hurricane, to strong, and too unpredictable to ever control. Everything that they've ever thrown at him, he's destroyed, or somehow managed to turn it against him.

The base surveillance showed that he's already reached his office. A true feat, considering that he'd had to rip his way through nearly a platoon of troops. The illusive man sighed, as he realized that he was probably learning all of his secrets from his very own terminal. The commander was forcing him to reveal his hand, and make his move to control the reapers. He looked to the security updates and saw that Kai-Lang was almost there. That idiot is undoubtedly going to get himself slaughtered, but Tim found that to be acceptable. He needed to be punished for leading the commander to his base, and maybe he would actually do something useful and kill Shepard in the process.

Downing the rest of his Scotch, he stepped into the quantum engagement device, and issued an order to the VI.

He couldn't help but smirk to himself, and entertained the idea of disconnecting on him, at the end of their conversation. Just to see how he liked being on the receiving end for a change. The very thought amused him to no end.

His own office materialized around him, and...

The sound of his glass tumbler, shattering on the floor, was soon followed by an insanely silent moment as both The Illusive Man, and Shepard's party, found themselves in a completely awkward moment.

For the first time in his life, the Illusive Man honestly did not know what to say. After another second, a large vein throbbed in his head, and he crushed the cigarette he'd been holding.

"Uhhh... Illusive Man... I uh, wasn't expecting you to call..." Shepard said awkwardly. Tali gave a sheepish wave, and Liara tried to bury her head in embarrassment.

The Illusive man's luminous blue eyes were now shining bright red, with pure rage.

"F-F-F-FFFFUUUUUUUUU-"

XXMinutes EarlierXX

The Commander casually walked into the office that he'd only ever seen through live feeds, and stepped over the smoldering remains of the door.

Blowing the door had been completely unnecessary, but Shepard would be the first to admit that he was a sucker for the dramatics. And being that this was the office of the man whom had terrorised half the galaxy, he felt that this was a special enough occasion. From behind him, both Tali, and Dr Tisoni stepped in, taking in the room that they'd thought they'd never see in person.

"Keela..." the quarian said, as she took in the sight, of the massive dying star, that seemed to fill the entire window in front of his desk. Liara, being that she was the shadow broker, looked to the holographic screens and wondered what kind of wealth of information that they'd walked into.

"Goddess, Shepard... I can't believe we're actually standing here!" The Shadowbroker said, and she began to look over the dozens of windows that were open on the Illusive Man's screen. She turned and saw that Shepard wasn't paying attention. With a grim face he scanned the room, obviously looking for something, or _someone_. She took a second to look around, and saw that the Illusive man was nowhere to be found. Undoubtedly, he'd fled.

"Shepard, I'm so sorry. We came so close, only for him to get away at the last second." The commander waived it off "Meh, I kinda figured that guy would have some sort of escape plan or something... Oh well, time to plunder!" he said gleefully as as he looked over at the Illusive man's seat and sat down. He was willing to admit, it was pretty comfortable. "Hey, you guys think we can get this into the Normandy?"

"Shepard, the Alliance is going to blow this whole place up! No, we don't have time to steal his furniture!" She exclaimed and pointed to the window, and the ensuing battle that raged outside.

"Awww..." The commander said sadly. To the young Quarian woman, he looked like a child that'd been told that Santa wasn't coming this year, and that Christmas was canceled because of it. Tali rolled her eyes at his antics.

"Well that doesn't mean that we can't take everything else that isn't nailed down." she said and gestured at her suit "These suits have more pockets than you think..."

"... You're like, the best girlfriend ever. You know that?" He said and Tali giggled. This time it was Liara's turn to roll her eyes, and she quicky returned to hacking one of the servers that she found.

*chink!*

Distracted once again, Liara turned around and found that the noise was a Zippo lighter snapping shut. Shepard had found some cigarettes in the desk, and had lit one up. It appeared that he was trying to do an impersonation of the leader of Cerberus himself.

"... Something, something, _humanity_... Something, something, _complete_..." The commander said, as he sat in the Illusive Man's chair and tried not to burn himself with the cigarette that he'd just lit.

Tali'Zora vas Normandy watched, with growing trepidation, as one of the greatest heroes to ever be given flesh, who single handedly united galaxy and kill at least 3 reapers, take a long pull from the expensive cigarette in his hand...

...and promptly proceeded to hack his lungs out.

"Holy crap!" Commander Shepard hacked, coughed and wheezed "God is this what the Illusive Man is doing to himself?" He had to stop again, and after another few seconds of trying not to die, he was finally able to speak again. "Geez, if the Reapers would have waited another few months, lung cancer would have totally taken care of this for us!"

While Tali tried not to think about the fact that she was sleeping with this man, Liara walked over and tried to discourage Shepard from touching any of the sensitive looking equipment on his desk. Being the Shadow Broker, much of her own terminals were biometric and were set to purge themselves if anybody that wasn't her came across her more sensitive materials.

"Goddess, Shepard! Would you please watch what you're touching? Who knows what any of this equipment does. It could be booby-trapped!"In spite of the asari's warnings, the commander looked to one item, that appeared to be some sort of com device, and reached out to it. Liara instantly recognised it to be a micro QE communicator.

"Lighten up Liara. Besides, its not the Illusive man would keep anything that would explode right on his desk." On an inspired whim, the commander hit the button with total disregard to whom it might connect to.

"Uh... This is The Illusive Man..." He paused as he realized that he hadn't actually thought this far ahead "..._Release the Kraken!_" he blurted and let go of the button. Both women groaned at his poor joke.

"What? it was the only thing i could think of-" He was cut off, as the device toned with an incoming transmission.

"**Illusive man, this is Director Ross, of the Kraken Cell, reporting in. I still advise that more time was needed as subject E-45 Codename 'Kraken', is still highly unstable and very dangerous. However, as per your orders, we have released it into the general populous and is now reaping your terrible, terrible vengeance sir.**"

Commander Shepard hissed a breath through his teeth, and slowly backed away from touching anything else. "oohhhh... We'll just blame that on the Illusive man too..." Liara face-palmed, and Tali just shook her head.

However, like so many times before, the moment soon passed and that mischievous smirk soon returned. Tali slowly back up, as she knew that whatever it was, she probably wasn't going to like it.

"heh... Hey Tali?" The quarian's eyes narrowed to slits as she gave him a suspicious look. Commander Shepard took her glare as a sign to keep going. "You uh... You wanna have sex on the Illusive man's chair?"

"I.. wh... NO! Keela, what is wrong with you? There's no way i'm getting naked _anywhere _near this place," The young quarian brought his hands to her head, as if trying to banish the very thought of Shepard's indecent proposal out of her head "and i can't even imagine how furious the Illusive man will be if... if he were... to..."

Tali blinked for a second as she realized that the Illusive Man, bane of the quarian people, _would in fact be pretty pissed._ "Ok, I'm game." she said, and began to fiddle with the release clamps to her environmental suit. Shepard grinned.

"Sweet!" He said, and began to pull at one of his boots.

Liara on the other hand looked absolutely mortified. "I-I cannot believe you two! _We are in the middle of goddess damned mission!_ And what? Do you two just expect me to just wait outside, while you two go at it?"

"You know..." the commander reached out, snaked an arm around the Liara's shoulders and gently began to pulled her in "I never actually said you had to leave..."

(Renegade + 9001)

* * *

**And that's how i maxed out my renegade bar... True story!**

**Anyway... I reeeaaally gatta hurry up and finish this stupid chapter of Therapy at Muzzle Velocity, _and_ Full Circle, and pray to god that everyone isn't too pissed at me for never updating.**


	3. The object of my objections

The N7 heavy mesh, combat ready helmet was a true marvel of Alliance design, both for comfort, and utility, it offered to its user. It tapped into a series of sensors that feed into a clear plexiglass screen, that offered real time updates on an active Heads Up Display. It offered a multiband encrypted communications suite, and even worked in tandem with the soldier's currently held weapon, to offer an actual targeting reticle to assist in short ranged combat situations.

This miracle piece of armor could hermetically seal itself, protecting the user in the event of a chemical, biological, and even a radiological attack. It sported a controlled Audio Input system, that was able to recognize when the sounds of the surrounding environment became too loud for a soldiers safety, and dampen the environment.

However, the most important feature (and most relevant to our story) was that it could filter the audio _output_, because for the life of him, Commander Shepard could not stop saying "Dat ass..." every 13 seconds.

Unfortunately, there is just simply no tactful way of putting this, so i'm just going to go out and say it; Commander Shepard liked big buts, and he cannot lie...

Life, for the unfortunate Commander was already hard enough when he had to serve with women of such epic hips like Tali'Zorah, Miranda Lawson, and Kasumi Goto. But God help him, stepping onto the Quarian ship _Rayya_, was like stepping into the set of a Sir Mixalot music video.

_My god, there's __**ass fo' daayys! **_The commander thought as all of the female quarians walked around, doing such provocative things, like bending over, standing there, and... well, _breathing._

_Tali's trial, dumbass! _His brain scolded, and Shepard shook his head, focusing back on the conversation between Captain Kar'Danna and Shepard's engineer.

"...Charging you with bringing active geth into the fleet as part of a secret project."

Active Geth on a quarian ship? Holy crap that's bad! He looked to Tali, as she suddenly looked as if she'd been physically struck. "What!? That's insane! I never brought active Geth aboard. I only sent parts..." The sound of Tali's voice blurred out as his eyes wandered a little too far down again. _Look at that! _Penis said to his brain. _Man, she could serve drinks on that!_ The Commander had no idea how long he'd been staring, but his visor finally fogged up and Tali's rear end disappeared behind a cloudy haze, thus breaking its hypnotic hold.

The Commander's helmet engaged its defogger, and his brain went into overdrive. Like a detective, he was trying to put the pieces together on what was going on, so he didn't look like a damned sex offender. His mind finally figured out, not a moment too soon, that Tali was introducing him to someone "Aunty Raan!" Tali cried out in joy, and threw her arms around the elder quarian "Commander Shepard vas Normandy, this is Shala'Raan vas Tonbay. She's a friend of my father."

"Oh! Yes! Hi! Nice to meet you miss Raan!" Shepard said and overenthusiastically shook her hand. "You have a very nice ship here!" Unfortunately the handshake went on for too long, and he began to sweat under the now suspicious gaze of the elder quarian. Her eyes squinted as she suspected that something was amiss... "Yes, it is nice to meet you as well Captain. Tell me, how are you finding your stay here so far?" Shala asked, as if she were a mother trying to gage an unscrupulous teenage boy that her daughter had brought home.

"Oh! Just uh... great! Your people have such wonderful round buts, and …" Shepard froze at his slip-up. _No! Bad! _ his brain began to smack him with an imaginary newspaper _That's a bad Shepard!_

"Excuse me, but what did you say?" Tali's aunt asked in a less than amused tone.

"Culture! I said that your people have such wonderful _culture_!" He cried out, and Shala vas Tonbay crossed her arms.

"No you didn't. You sai-"

"Wait!" Tali interrupted "Did you just call me vas Normandy?"

_Oh thank god! _The Commander immediately jumped on the topic "Why, yes! Yes she did, Tali! Please explain in great detail, why that's bad."

"They've striped me of my ship's name. That's as good as declaring me exiled already..."

_Holy crap! _"Oh wow.. I see" Shepard said, and for the first time since being on this ship, did the gravity of what was going on finally strike him. Shepard went into business mode. "Are we still in the Arraignment process? Who's Tali's lawyer? Because, believe me I know a guy who can get anybody out of _anything._"

"No, Commander. I don't think that you understand." Shala said, while Tali tried to will herself to suddenly become invisible. "When a quarian is to be tried, he or she is to represented by their acting captain. And since her name is currently vas Normandy, that person is _you._"

"...me." He deadpanned.

"Yes, you."

"Am I being punked?" The commander asked, and began to look around. As if a two hundred year old Ashton Kutcher would suddenly pop out from behind the food dispenser, and have a laugh at his expense.

"No, you idiot!" Shalla'Raan shot back. She then began to squint suspiciously at him. "Are... are you retarded?" she asked. However, her question went unanswered as the commander just stood there, eyes glazed over, his brain was already running the title through his head.

And to his defence, it did sound a little rad. Commander John Shepard _Attorney at Law._

x The Colorful World of Shepard's Imagination x

_Admiral Han Garrel, who was of course wearing a top hat and monocle, continued to pace around the inside of a spacious 19th century courtroom, while twirling the thin mustache that'd been firmly glued to the front of his helmet._

_Seated in the bleachers were hundreds of quarians, most of them were listening intently as he presented his case, while others stared hatefully at Tali as she sat in the defendant's table._

"_... and as you can see, from this IRREFUTABLE evidence , that is quite obvious who committed such a heinous crime!" the admiral paused for dramatic effect. Everyone held their breath, then jumped when the elder quarian whirled around and pointed an accusatory finger at Shepard's Engineer "... It was in fact Miss Tali'Zorah! In the dining room! With the candlestick!" Everyone gasped._

_The room was suddenly filled with the hushed whispers of hundreds of quarians. Certain things like 'i always knew she was a bad apple' and 'where did we go wrong?' were picked up out of the din. Admittedly, things were looking pretty hopeless for the unfortunate girl until..._

"_**OBJECTION!**__" someone cried out, and everyone looked over and saw Commander Shepard, who was dressed suspiciously like Phoenix Wright (blue suit, slick backed hair and all) as he pointed an oversized finger of justice at the admiral._

"_And what is the grounds of your objection?"_

"_I object on the grounds, that Admiral Garrel is a HUGE douchebag, and that Tali could never commit such a crime!" He said, and pointed at the young quarian female "I mean, look at that face! How can anybody accuse her, of anything?"_

_And indeed asTali sat in the defendant's seat, she looked _adorably _innocent. Shepard himself made the slight mistake of turning toward her, and recoiled in horror._

"_GAH!"_

_She was giving him a look that was a combination of shame, nervous hope, and sheer admiration for the man whom she believed could do anything. Staring at something that cute was like trying to stare directly into a star. Seriously, at that moment if Tali asked, he would go out and destroy Christmas, kick a puppy, AND turn down a Klondike bar! _

_And ladies and gentlemen, that is no joke. Commander Sheperd is a man, who loves him some Klondike bars..._

"_... My God..." the judge said, as he too made the mistake of looking directly at Tali. "O-Objection Sustained! Garrel IS a huge tool, and Tali'zorah will be acquitted of all charges."_

_Everybody cheered, especially Tali as she was instantly by his side "Oh Commander, you did it!" she said happily. Admiral Garrel, on the other hand, dramatically dropped to his knees and cursed Shepard for foiling his plans._

_Suddenly, confetti dropped down from the ceiling and everyone was cheering "Shepard! Shepard! Shepard! Shep..._

x x

"...pard! Shepard! SHEPARD!" Admiral Shala screamed, and Shepard jumped. Looking around he realized that he must have lost himself in how totally awesome he was going to be today.

"Oh! uh, sorry. I gave it some thought, and i'll do it. When did the trial start again?"

"IT STARTED 20 MINUTES AGO, YOU IDIOT!"

"Uh oh!"

XX Later that day XX

Commander Shepard sat quietly, and tried not to think about how uncomfortable he was, being sandwiched between Mordin Solus and Garrus Vakarian. The entiretly of Shepard's squad all huddled together on one side of the shuttle, trying to maximize their distance from Tali'Zorah as she sat alone on the other, and calmly stroked her shotgun. Not one of them were brave enough to risk their life for a little personal space. And to make things worse, they had at least another half hour before their shuttle would reach the Normandy.

Because nobody else was making a sound, every awkward cough, sneeze, and shuffle sounded almost impossibly loud.

Finally unable to take the silence, the commander finally decided to test the waters, and see if Tali was still mad at him.

"So... you, uh...still mad at me?"

"GARRUS!" Tali screamed, and the turian threw his arms up in front of his face and flinched. To his relief however, he didn't suddenly meet a violent death at the end of a shotgun. "Tell this boshtet that I am _NEVER_ going to speak to him _EVER AGAIN_!"

"Yea, I'd say she's still pretty peeved, commander..."

"Aw, c'mon Tali! I managed to keep you from getting exiled, didn't I?" Shepard pleaded.

"You punched _two_ admirals, right in the face, in the middle of of my trial!"

"They were asserting disingenuously at me! You know I don't like it when people assert disingenuously at me!"

"You took off your helmet, and _sneezed_ on the _Rayaa_!"

"I-I didn't wanna blow snot all over the inside of my helmet! What else was I supposed to do!?"

"And what about going up to my Aunty Raan, _**and pinching her in the but!"**_ Tali snarled, and the commander buried his head in shame.

God, he knew that one was going to come back to haunt him later. And the worst part, was that it wasn't what Tali thought. It was a case of mistaken identity; he thought she was Tali!

However, explaining that would be a lose-lose scenario for the commander, as he could either A: Keep his mouth shut, and let Tali think that he was enough of a misogynistic douchebag to hit on one of the few parental figures she's ever had in her life.

Or he could B: Tell her the terrible truth, that when in a large crowd, that he honestly could not tell one quarian from the other.

What do you want from him? They all wore the exact same thing! Jacob's muffled voice floated in from somewhere unseen, as he was buried behind grunt, and at least 3 other squad members. "Well, try to look at the bright side, you guys. You're practically celebrities! People are gonna be talking about that trial for years."

From on top of Zaeed's lap, Miranda nodded in agreement "Yes, I don't believe any captain, in quarian history, has ever gotten one of their crewmembers exiled, un-exiled, then ended it with getting _himself _exiled in one trial. It was actually quite impressive."

Mordin smiled "Very entertaining! Favorite part was when you screamed 'I am da law'" This caused everyone else (except Tali) in the shuttle to murmur in agreement.

* * *

**_Meh. I'm currently writing the next installment to Therapy at Muzzle Velocity, and this bit was too big, and the humor felt forced. I had originally deleted it, then went back and pulled it out of the recycling bin._**

**_In all honesty, it just didn't feel right, and i don't even know why. I could use a little feedback, if you guys don't mind. It will probably help my overall work._**


End file.
